Wednesday, January 14, 2009

True Confession

Is it okay to be honest here?

When I started this blog I intended it to be an outlet for me to release whatever was jumbling abound in my head. So here goes nothing.
What I'm about to write isn't pretty. It doesn't make me look good in any way, shape or form. Ok.
....BIG BREATH....

Since having our third baby I am not myself. I don't think I would classify it as postpartum. (my heart truly goes out to the woman who have to fight that unfair battle.)
I am just not who I once was. I am exhausted (baby girl is still not sleeping through the night). I am short tempered. I am lazy. I have very little patience.

At the end of each day when I spend my devotional time with God, I am finding that I am spending a lot of time confessing my shortcomings for the day. How many times did I yell at the kids? What did I do in my anger? What did I say? I am so thankful that I serve a God who does not hold it against me, but is slowly transforming me into the mom he has called me to be. If only I will allow him to.

A while ago I read this on a wonderful blog called Are We There Yet?
I immediately felt convicted (yelling = lazy parenting. OUCH that one hit my heart), but also excited at the practical ideas on how to purpose in my heart NOT to yell. I'm embarrassed to admit that although I related to it, and was pumped to try these ideas out, I haven't. Sure I've prayed about this issue, but I haven't totally committed to fully giving this to God and praying about it everyday. I haven't searched the bible to find scriptures on the subject. And I certainly haven't come up with an alternative to yelling. The result? I'm still yelling. A lot. I think it's getting worse, my patience is virtually gone, and I'm taking out all my frustrations on my kids.

I'm ready to change. I can't do it in my own strength, but I know that it can be done by truly purposing in my heart not to yell. (not just thinking about it but actually, practically doing something about it.) I'm so excited to see how God will mold and shape me as I trust in his strength!

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