Freedom

Where do I even begin.... I just spent the last 40 minutes crying (no, scratch that-sobbing) my way through chapter nine of the book "So Long Insecurity". This chapter is written as a prayer, a prayer giving up insecurity and actually receiving our security and dignity back.

And I am exhausted. My heart is so overwhelmed by Him right now I can barely form a coherent sentence..... but I am also very excited, boy, am I ever excited!! YA!

To describe what I am feeling right now is impossible. To describe the time I just spent with my Healer is impossible. I just can't find the right words.

I
am
just
feeling
free.
alive.
whole.

As I read through the prayer out loud, many times I had to stop and truly feel it. I had to engage. I saw myself in practically every word. It was as if Beth Moore had written it specifically for me. (hence the sobbing, and the fact that a whole box of Kleenex was necessary!)

I want to write out the entire prayer for you, but also really want you to go out and get a copy of the book for yourself and have you share in this same wonderful freedom with me!
Here are just a few parts of the prayer that were so very real to me:

"Please forgive me from self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations"
"Father help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure in relationship"
"Help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not panic or fight for control"
"Forgive me for being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me underdeveloped and much less effective than you intended"
"Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great"

"Please restore all that insecurity has stolen from me"
"Preform a miracle on me, Lord"
"Transform what drives me"
"Give me the discernment to call a lie, a lie"
"I actively and deliberately receive...."

Wow.
And wow.
Like I said, I don't really have the words right now, but wanted so much to share with you.
Freedom.
Ahhh...
True-lasting-freedom.
Freedom from the ever-nagging insecurities that have plagued me for as long as I can remember... what will that look like?

Ramblings...

Peek-A-Boo!

Yup, I'm still here....

I know my posts have been a bit more sporadic. Sadly, I don't really have an exciting reason why. I have just found that I am running out of things to talk about :)

We've had a pretty low key week.... although we did get to see the Easter Bunny at the mall, where the girls decorated Easter cookies and had fun playing with my cousins two little ones. (my big girl was very excited to discover that the Easter Bunny is indeed PINK and enjoyed informing her older brother of that fact!)

I have been driving Chris crazy singing the last part of this song over, and over, and over....

"do do do do do do do dodo dodo...."

He gets super annoyed every time I come close to him and start singing it. But I can't help it if I can't get it out of my head! Right?! Plus, I kinda like bugging him.

We started spring cleaning the house (very excited stuff), we took a few long walks, went to our library (where I discovered I have $19 in overdue fees- eek!), and we spent one morning wandering around Fish Creek Park so that I could (once again) play with my camera.


Only problem was the battery on my camera died about 5 minutes after we got there....boo! (note to self- check the battery before you decide to take the kids on a little photo shoot)
We ended up staying awhile, walking around, enjoying the fresh air, listening to all the birds and especially saying "Hi!" to all the people we saw.
:)

I'm realizing that the more I take pictures the more I'm loving it. It is probably my favorite thing to do. I am excited to keep practicing, learn my camera better, and figure out exactly how to work with lighting.....

Well friends, that's about all I've got.
I told you I've run out of stuff to talk about. Don't worry, though, I'm sure it won't last long...I'll be back soon to ramble on like usual :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Handmade Bows

I am addicted.
After seeing Denise's cuteness, and how easy the tutorial looked I just couldn't help myself.

They are so easy to make, and really, just make me feel super proud for making them myself :)

After deciding that I had to try them I went searching through the house for a magazine. Sadly the only one I had on hand was a "Self" magazine that my almost three year old had decided to rip the front cover off while waiting in line at the grocery store a few months ago. Fun purchase!

Anyways, there weren't a lot of pages I wanted to showcase in bows... uh, like this one, where after I was done I realized boasted a beautiful pair of lips. Ha!

But I did manage to get a few cute ones.


And I also tried making one with wrapping paper.


Next I think I'll try scrapbook paper..... and maybe some with plain old newspaper...and ribbon...oh! and maybe a few with old children's books (you know the ones that my two year old has ripped half the pages out!)
Ahhh, the possibilities are endless!

Yup. I am majorly, helplessly addicted.

His whisper

A cold dark winter road that seems to stretch on forever.

If you had asked me last week to describe what my relationship with God "felt" like, that is what I would have said.

Most days I had the ability to numb myself to the elements. I could go about my day and not really notice the fact that I felt so alone, but if I took the time to really think about it, I did in fact feel deserted.
I really missed the closeness I once had with God. It felt like he was so very far away. And try as I may I just could not find Him. A lasting Him. Not simply a moments Him.

If you ask me what my relationship with God feels like today I would show you the same picture, only this time I am not struggling to walk alone. I am being carried....

I'm a third of the way through the study Jesus in 90 days and I am finding Him. I am discovering His beauty, His compassion, His heart in ways that I have never known. I am in fact falling in love with Him all over again. And I am finding freedom.

Freedom from bitterness towards circumstances, towards church, towards christians.
Freedom from bitterness towards Him.

As I get to know Him again... I cant help but allow Him to soften my heart and heal my wounds. I can`t help but LOVE Him.

As I started to write this post I remembered a message that I saw a few years ago at church.
At the time it brought comfort... but after watching it again I am overwhelmed.
It's about 10 minutes long, but I promise you the picture he paints is so beautiful. So very like our God....



Today, I am even more convinced of the fact that God is in fact carrying me. I am even more convinced of the fact that He wants to protect us from all the storms in our lives. That He wants to hold us tight and keep us safe.
I sit here and picture Him cuddling me whispering:

"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."
I hear His whisper today, as I struggle to "find my place" in the world.
I hear it as I walk through this painful process of facing my insecurities.

But I also hear it in the hospital room at 10 years old after losing my mom.
"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."

I hear it as I sit in my teenage room struggling with shame and rejection.
"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."

I hear it on the days when I`m fighting with Chris.
"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."

I hear it as I walk through two miscarriages.
"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."

I hear it after losing my little white church.
"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."

I hear it on the days when I want to give up. Days when I feel like the worst mom in the world.
"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."

I hear it whenever I feel like my little world is closing in on me.
"I love you buddy...we're gonna make it....Dad knows the way..."

His sweet whisper.
He loves me. We're gonna make it. He knows the way.

And just like the baby in the video clung to his daddy, I cling to mine. Some days I cling to Him helpless, afraid, frustrated and just let Him carry me.

What are you walking through? What have you walked through? Is it raining? Pouring?
Has it ever poured so hard that you've felt like you were drowning?

Can you hear Him whispering over and over again:
"I love you buddy.....We're gonna make it.....Dad knows the way....I love you buddy....We`re gonna make it...Dad knows the way...I love you buddy...."

Grandpa's Specialty

I am about to share with you the best snack ever.
Ever.
Growing up, these were Grandpa's specialty.
He would make them for us as a special treat whenever we were visiting.
I can easily remember him standing at the table making them for us as we sat excitedly, hoping to get the first plateful.

Today I made them for my kids for the very first time because, well, I FINALLY found an ice cream that didn't have the "may contain nuts" warning.
Woohoo!
I smiled as I watched my three little munchkins sit excitedly, hoping to get the first plateful!
:)

Ok, so here are the ingredients:
Two simple ingredients.

Ice cream and soda crackers.

That's it.
Mmmmm. Crazy good combo.

And all you do is spread some ice cream over the crackers,

and make yummy ice cream cracker sandwiches.
So easy. So delicious.
The perfect balance of salt and sugar...

Trust me they are delicious.

When I first told Chris I was going to make these he wasn't convinced that they would be any good, but seriously, they are soooooo yummy, especially if you let them sit for a couple minutes and can squeeze the ice cream out the sides while you quickly try to lick them up. Yum-O!
See, they provide a yummy snack and entertainment!

Ok, now (if these are new to you) go try them and tell me what you think....
Are they not the best kept secret or what?!

The Root

Most days I am fine.
Most days I am not even aware of it.
But some days, some days it sneaks up on me.
I will be going about my day when all of a sudden I am nearly knocked over.

By grief.

There are moments when I am frozen by it. And it seems to just cover me like a heavy blanket.
It brings me back to my little 10 year old self standing in that hospital room.
It brings me back to all the years without her.
I miss her.
I miss her more than I can possibly explain.

Yesterday I had one of those moments.
Chris and I were watching Joannie Rochette skate and I could barely breath. I watched as she dug into the very depth of herself to skate for her mom. I watched as she represented Canada and won a medal for our country. But more than all that I watched her face after it was all over. The mix of joy and grief.

I have worn that face.

I wore it on my wedding day as I got dressed in my wedding gown.
I wore it on the days each of my children were born as I held them all bundled up only minutes old.
I wear it every mother's day.
And there are surprising moments when I wear it. When I am so happy about something and then all of a sudden something reminds me of her.

Joy and grief woven together.

This afternoon as I sat in the doorway of my daughters room (she needs "encouragement" to go down for her nap) grief struck again. I was reading the book "So Long Insecurity" and got to the chapter that deals with the roots of insecurity. Here's what I read:

"If you lost a parent to cancer when you were a child, girlfriend, your search for the root of your chronic insecurity is over. You earned it. No, you can't have your loved one back in this lifetime, but you can indeed have your security back. That loss does not have to be permanent."
So Long Insecurity
by Beth Moore

And I lost it. The tears came easily and I was once again reminded that I am a part of that group. My insecurity is easily identified because I am a child who's parent died of cancer.
I hate that. I HATE IT. I hate that I can easily identify the source. Easily fit into this category.

Now, I realize that my heart is a little raw from last night, and in all honesty I can also see that God is preparing my heart. In His beautiful way He is making it abundantly clear that He wants me to say so long to my insecurity just as much as I do.

But as I walk through this process I just want to tuck tail and get outta here. This painful, facing of life. This conscious realization that maybe I haven't fully healed from losing my mom. Maybe the roots of my insecurity still need to be cut. Maybe I need to allow God into parts of my heart that I thought I already had....

I want to give it ALL to Him. All my joy and all my grief. And the twisted mix of the two. Days like today, I give to Him. I simply can't do it on my own... my heart hurts too much.

And the winner is....

Ok, so that was scary being in front on the camera....
but actually a little fun too.
:)
Now go get your hands on a copy of this book.
Let's find security together!

p.s Can you tell my two year old LOVES the spotlight?!