Thursday, July 30, 2009

A deep breath... and a lot of trust...

When I became a christian a little over 10 years ago God knew where to plant me. He knew what I would need to grow. He knew who would pour into me and teach me about His ways and His truth.

He knew His best for me.

The "little white church" that I've attended my entire christian walk has been my family. It's where I was baptised. Where Chris and I were married. Where we welcomed each one of our children. Where we've grown and served. Where we've been released to live out the gifts that God has given us. It's our home.

Our pastor is an amazing man. He really just can't help but see the good in everyone he meets. He has a gift to be able to see past circumstances and personalities and instead see into who God has made you to be.

Many, many times in the first year after being saved, he along with my youth pastor, would pour into my life. Words of encouragement and healing. They would tell me of the "big plans" God had for my life. Hours and hours were spent pouring love into me. And I found myself slowly being transformed from a broken and cold teenager into a young woman who knew that God loved her.

Many times I would "test" God's grace on them....if I do this or that, will He still love me? Will they still accept me? And every time I found myself back in my little white church being told that yes indeed God still loved me. That they still loved me.

God used (and continues to use) my pastor to show me just who He is. Who I am, in Him.

When I was a youth leader, I remember going into the church with a couple friends late at night and just laying before God and worshiping for hours. You see (although I'm bias and can't say from experience, because it's the only christian church I've attended) this little white church is like no other.

I don't even have the words to describe it.

It is a church that gives an 18 year old keys to be able to come in and worship. It is a church that allows a 20 year old to give the sermon. It is a church that wants to equip and release it's people.
Over the last decade, our family has had the privilege to serve and be served.
When I was on bedrest with our littlest one for just over 2 months different families from our church brought us home cooked meals every night. EVERY NIGHT.

I'm telling you all this, in the attempt to give you a small glimpse of what our church has been.

Has been... gulp....our little church is no more.

Writing those words is very hard.

I don't even really know how to explain it. I don't understand it myself.

So what happened?
Was there some kind of scandal?
No.
People just started leaving for various, random reasons. And slowly over the last few years we went from a 200 person church down to 30 people.

I guess the best way to describe why we are closing the doors, is that we are just plain old tried. Our pastors are tired. Chris and I are tried. We're all burnt out. Exhausted. In need of rest. A break from the work.

We decided as a leadership team that it was finally time to shut the doors. To end the "institution" of our church.

And my heart is breaking. We had our final meeting this week and we spoke of how it felt like a funeral. How, something so close to our hearts has died, and that we needed to allow ourselves time to grieve.
Now, I realize that the relationships we've formed with one another haven't died, just the "institution", but it hurts all the same. My little white church....gone.

What I do know is that God has a plan.
His ways are higher than ours.
He sees the bigger picture.

When I read my pastor's letter I am encourage and excited. See, we've talked about the "death of dreams for our church" lots with him and his wife.
We've discussed that perhaps we needed to let the dreams we had been given for our church die so to speak, so that he could resurrect them and do it his way.

But, how in fact, do you actually go about letting a dream die? Doesn't a small part of you always want to hold onto it? How do you let it go, when it's so very real to you?

With every family that left, the dream was buried down a little deeper for me. I thought that it was so deep that I had actually let it go, but now that we've closed down the church I feel a new sense of release that is real and exciting. Like somehow, we don't have to hold onto what we thought it would look like but instead look to where God is leading us.

So, where is God leading us? That I don't know. What I do know, is that God knows.

I also know that God is drawing me back to my first love.

See, somehow over the years going to church has turned into a job. Eeek. I know, it's terrible. And dare I say I'd even started resenting it? The church was taking a huge tole on our family. Chris has been more than exhausted from leading worship. Sundays were a complete wash for us. There was no joy. No excitement. Just obligation.

I've discovered through this that the church, for me, was some kind of security blanket. A way for me to think I was doing alright. Hey, I go to church every week. I'm teaching the kids. I'm doing good...right??
But, my relationship with God was lacking. And that's being generous. It was more like the only time I'd crack open my bible was when I was preparing for a lesson I'd be teaching.

And I know better. Not in the 'I know I should be reading my bible' sort of better, but in the I KNOW there is BETTER out there.

I know the closeness of the Holy Spirit. I know the sweetness of God's voice. I know the excitement of being near to God and following him wherever he goes. I miss that. I miss Him. I've missed him for years and have tried to get closer. I've tried to find him., but I suppose in this season I've grown cold. I've given up.

But, God in his mercy has not given up on me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."


Jeremiah 29: 11


Could it be that God has brought me to this place, because it was the only way I'd find rest in Him? That through all my searching, I'd actually been running around in circles, and all he wanted me to do was stop and rest in Him?

So, in this new season, of unfamiliarity, I am trusting him. I am learning to rest in him. And....I am actually finding him.

He knows the way...all I have to do is follow.

7 comments:

  1. oh Sara - what a jumble of emotions you must be feeling. Though church may be somewhat of an institution, I also think it is like home. And a loving home is always a hard place to leave behind.

    It sounds like you're ready to trust and release your little white church to Him and while He works on details, you have the blessed assurance of trusting He has good plans.

    Bless you as you take some time to rest and draw close to Him.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The loss of your church is certainly a loss and one you need to grieve. Your whole perspective on 'church' may need to change too.

    I have moved many times over the last few years and have been to many churches. Each one has brought different experiences and different perspectives. But more importantly I think that with each move I become closer to God - He is the only unchanging aspect!

    You can use this time of change in the same way. You have time and the opportunity to grow your relationship with him!

    ReplyDelete
  3. there is a lot of grace in your words, that is a beautiful thing.

    i have too many words, and no words. losing a church- a home, a body, would be heart breaking.
    but then moving on would be exciting, full of wonder, and mystery.

    just as God shut the door on the ark, and lead noah and his family into a new direction, God has shut the door on your little white church, and will move you on.

    may HE go before you and behind you-provide, grow, encourage, nourish, speak truth, and lavish his love on you and your "little white church" families.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is a scary thing to leave something familiar and jump into the unknown! But you never know the new and exciting things that God has in store for you and your family in this new journey! Keep your trust in God, he knows the way!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Any deep disappointment, any loss of something loved will lead us on a path of questioning (to various degrees). Questioning isn't bad as it almost always leads to growth.

    God never said we wouldn't have sorrow and sadness. He said He would never change. Hold onto that as you experience this period of mourning over the loss of your little church.

    Have you decided on a new church home yet? Or are you playing "the dating game"?

    ReplyDelete
  6. The loss of your church is certainly a loss and one you need to grieve. Your whole perspective on 'church' may need to change too.

    I have moved many times over the last few years and have been to many churches. Each one has brought different experiences and different perspectives. But more importantly I think that with each move I become closer to God - He is the only unchanging aspect!

    You can use this time of change in the same way. You have time and the opportunity to grow your relationship with him!

    ReplyDelete
  7. there is a lot of grace in your words, that is a beautiful thing.

    i have too many words, and no words. losing a church- a home, a body, would be heart breaking.
    but then moving on would be exciting, full of wonder, and mystery.

    just as God shut the door on the ark, and lead noah and his family into a new direction, God has shut the door on your little white church, and will move you on.

    may HE go before you and behind you-provide, grow, encourage, nourish, speak truth, and lavish his love on you and your "little white church" families.

    ReplyDelete

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