Being a Mom

Being a mom is harder than I thought it was going to be.
A lot harder.

Please hear my heart friends, it is also amazing and wonderful and inspiring and fun and awesome. It makes you feel like you will explode from all the love you have for these little people... but if I'm being honest, it's also so much harder than I ever dreamed it would be when I starred excitedly at that pregnancy test and let out a yelp of praise over the two pink lines I saw.

I am crazy blessed with a 6, 3 and 2 year old. Crazy blessed. I completely love them to pieces. Seriously, I don't think it's even possible to love them anymore than I do, and yet it grows daily.

And I know that no one is perfect but I still find myself hitting the pillow with a thousand confessions each night. I was {insert one or more of the following} impatient, angry, lazy, resentful, prideful today. Oh Lord, please forgive me.....

When we were first married I had big dreams for our life together. Dreams that I thought were birthed from God {and really, they might still be....}
For a long time I have been sitting on those dreams. Waiting for them to happen, but I am realizing that although those dreams are wonderful, they are actually holding me back from embracing the dream that I am already living.

The dream of being a mom.

From as far back as I can remember I knew I wanted to be a mom. I pictured myself with a big family. I was excited at the thought of raising my kids and just simply being a mommy.
And now I'm living it.... but am I truly embracing it? Am I doing the best job that I can. Am I fully engaged?
Some days yes.... others not so much.

I am beginning to see that right now I am living and breathing my calling!
Ok, so this may or may not be anything earth shattering to you, but this past week I have had a serious light bulb moment.

A moment where God has opened my eyes to what is right in front of me. No longer will I wait for life to happen, it already is. I was just too blind to realize it.

I'm reading the book "have a little faith" by Mitch Albom {which is awesome by the way} and I read this line last night and it sealed the deal for me:

"Faith is about doing.You are how you act, not just how you believe"

Whoa. This truth just sunk into the bottom of my heart and I realized that I talk the talk.... but do I really walk the walk?

My responsibility right now is to help shape these little ones that God has entrusted me with.
Am I acting out my faith for them to see, or just telling them about it?

• If I believe that God forgives me and I don't forgive myself how can I teach my kids about forgiveness?

• If I believe that God loves me but I don't always love myself than how can I properly teach my kids about love.

• If I believe that His perfect grace extends to everyone, but don't give myself grace how will my kids ever learn this truth.

I need to stop simply believing and actually start acting out my faith.
I need to forgive, love and grace myself, and then it will pour out all around me.
If I make it a daily exercise for me and for those around me.... will it become like second nature? Like breathing?

Oh, how I need to take a deep breath of forgiveness. A deep breath of love. And an even bigger breath of grace. Because let's face it. I screw up. Regularly. I am easily distracted. Easily bored. Easily complacent.

But I want to be more for my kids. I need to be more.

The only way I know how is to spend my time with the One who will fill me up daily. He is the One who will teach me first so that I can then turn around and teach them.

I want to bring glory to God in my mothering. Daily I want to walk through this with Him and in doing so grow closer to Him. I want my kids to know that while I am certainly not perfect, I am being molded. I am being changed. The mommy that held her sweet little newborn in her arms 6 years ago will not be the same mommy today, tomorrow, or any day after that.

I will grow and blossom and learn from the very best Daddy. The One who knows every tear, every frustrated cry, every joyful moment, every kiss and every hug.
The One and Only. He will shape me and I will let Him.

I suppose God is showing me the bigger picture here today. I want to glorify Him now, not wait around for those dreams to come true and then bring Him glory. Now. I have a million opportunities with these precious little ones He's given me. And I want to do it for them. For Him.

Because I only have one shot at being their mama. Before I know it they'll be all grown up and I want to be able to stand before God and hear him say that I did well. That he is proud of me. That I did the best I could and came out victorious on the other side. Because right now even though the days seem to go on forever I know I'll blink and years will have flown by....

As I grow into my mothering I embrace that fact that everyday is a new day. A new beginning. A chance to do better.
I want to do better.
And so I give this day to Him. All the little moments. I celebrate with Him my victories and give Him all my imperfections and all my shortcomings.
I ask Him to make me more and more like His Son.

And I forgive myself and start again tomorrow.