This week I....

:: straight up yelled at my kids

:: cursed under my breath as my 11 year old stomped off to his room

:: cried in the bathroom, feeling like a complete failure

:: took the kids to an afternoon matinee, just because

:: snuggled in bed with my girl as she read to me

:: lost in a game of chess to my boy

:: haven't done a single load of laundry

:: started reading the Word one on one with my boy

:: have done 12 braids in little girl hair

:: put a movie on in the van for the kids to watch just so that I could have a little peace....and then drove through the McDonalds line, ordering a fountain pop and cookies all around

:: called for Chinese food, because I wanted to watch an episode of "Strong Medicine" on Netflix instead of making dinner

:: conspired with the kids to surprise daddy with a romantic candlelight dinner, promising to pay them each a dollar if they stayed downstairs the entire time we ate our dinner

:: played "I love you more than...." with my 4 year old

:: pressed the snooze button every morning choosing sleep over working out

From as far back as I can remember I have always wanted everyone to like me. I needed them to. I desperately craved acceptance. It didn't matter if I was being real or not, all that mattered was that they liked me. Enter people pleasing Sara.

Years and years of pretending.

But something is shifting in me. I am too tired to act anymore. I just don't have it in me. I need to be real. And the reality is- I am a mess. A messy mess. And I can't pretend that I'm not.

This week (and every week, for that matter) was a mix of joy and failure. Tears and high fives. We don't like to talk about the hard. The ugly. But what I'm realizing is that I am craving authenticity, and it has to start with me.

So.....who's with me?

What was your week like?

Happy Day

September 9, 2014
I want to remember this day.

It's the day God showed this (newbie) homeschooling mama that He is IN THIS with me.
The day He truly and perfectly spoke to our son's heart. And Evan listened.
The day I am reminded that God pursues us all and desires to be in relationship with us even more than we could ever hope for.
And the day when I was able to share in the most important decision of Evan's life.

This summer I took some time to make a list of all the things that I wanted the kids to learn this year- ya, I kinda love lists! Among the academic goals I had for each of the kids I began to realize that our focus this year needed to be on the kids ability to hear God. I want them to know Him....like, reeeeeeally know him. To run to Him. To desire Him.

We started today, with this book.

It is wonderful! It does an incredible job explaining to kids how God's desire is to speak to them and how they can recognize his voice!

I read about halfway through and then told the kids that we were going to practice listening to His voice. They each found a quiet place and I instructed them to just talk to God like they would talk to a friend and then....... to listen. I put some worship music on and let them each have quiet time with God.

20 minutes later Evan came out drying tears. I asked if God had spoken to him- he nodded and proceeded to show me his journal where he wrote that he had asked Jesus into his heart.

I remember back to when Evan said the same thing to me when he was 3 years old. This sweet, chubby little face telling me that He wanted to be Jesus' friend too. This time, though, it was different. It was completely his choice. Zero input from me. Zero pressure. Just the precious prompting of the Holy Spirit. He said that God used this song to speak to him....

We cried together and spoke about how his life is forever changed.
Emotional wouldn't even begin to describe what this moment was like. I have never seen him like that. He was undeniably different. Crying, he kept saying how happy he was. It was the same joy I felt back when I invited Jesus into my own heart. What an incredible blessing it was to be there with him for this.

We talked about how when someone asks Jesus into their heart that there is the most incredible celebration in Heaven and how the angels must be doing back flips!

God is so cool.
Such an encouragement to me that the time we take in our day to learn about Him is SO worth it and will forever change my babies.

Yes, I need to remember this day.

What a GIFT!

Happy Day

Jesus Culture

The greatest day in history, death is beaten
You have rescued me
Sing it out, Jesus is alive
The empty cross, the empty grave
Life eternal, You have won the day
Shout it all, Jesus is alive
He's alive

[Chorus:]
Oh happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

When I stand, in that place
Free at last, meeting face to face
I am Yours, Jesus You are mine
Endless joy and perfect peace
Earthly pain finally will cease
Celebrate Jesus is alive
He's alive

[Bridge:]
Oh what a glorious day
What a glorious way
That You have saved me
Oh what a glorious day
What a glorious name
Jesus!

Traditions

Some of the things I love most about the Christmas season are the traditions we have started as a family.
While some of them are simple and fun- like the new pajamas we open on Christmas eve to wear on Christmas morning, others are so much more than that.... like the Cookie Countdown we started a couple of years ago.
Last week Evan asked me if we could please deliver our cookies to the homeless again. Oh how my heart swelled at not only the fact that he remembered but also that he was hoping that we could do it again. When I told him of course we would his face lit up. "Awesome! That was so much fun!"

Could his response have touched his mama's heart any deeper?

This year we are going to add in a couple of new traditions...
The first one is super simple and easy. I saw this idea on Pinterest.

I wrapped 24 Christmas books and tomorrow we'll put them under the tree. Each evening after dinner the kids will unwrap on book to read together before bed. Fun, right?
And since I only had a handful of Christmas books laying around, I borrowed the rest of them from the library :)

The next new tradition is one I am super excited about. This year we are going to do a family advent activity calendar. (I got this cute little house last year on clearance boxing week!)

Each day the kids will open one of the doors and inside will be a little piece of paper with a fun activity to do together.

Some of them are things we have done together in the past and others are brand new. I think that in a season that is busy and crazy and seems to fly right by, this will give us a way to be intentional about spending time together. And also a way in we can teach our kids what Christmas is about... family, giving to others...JESUS!

I plan to just stuff in the activity we will do together the night before. That way I can kind of control what we do on what days... I don't really want the kids to pick out a slip like "Go skating at the lake" on a day when it is -30C outside! Brrr! :) 

Here's our list in case you may want to do some of these activities with your families too :)

* Make paper (or coffee filter) snowflake decorations
* Make snowman donuts
* Go for a drive to look at Christmas lights (and bring along hot chocolate in sippy cups!)
* Make and paint salt dough ornaments
* Build a fort and lay in it while we watch "The Grinch"
* Go skating at the lake
* Make Christmas tree crafts using popsicle sticks
* Host a gingerbread house making party
* Make peppermint chocolate popcorn and watch "The polar express"
* Make ice castles using sugar cubes
* Build a snowman
* Have a sleepover under our tree
* Make reindeer food to put out on Christmas eve for Santa's reindeer
* Make popcorn garland and paper chains to decorate our home
* Write letters to Santa
* Visit Santa at the mall
* Make and than give a secret gift to someone
* Play a board game in front of the tree
* Go to the dollar store and buy presents for your siblings
* Deliver gifts/baking to our neighbors
* Make teacher gifts
* Pick out food to donate
* Pick a family member's name and serve them secretly this week

What are your Christmas traditions?

Are you starting any new ones this year?

One of those days

I lost her today.
It was probably for less than 30 mins... but it felt like hours.

We were at Evan's hockey practice. The whistle had just blown and we were getting ready to go down to the dressing room. The girls had been chasing each other up and down the arena bleachers and as I looked up I saw Selah running towards me... but Abby wasn't behind her.
When I asked where her sister was she just shrugged her shoulders.

I didn't panic, as many times she will wander off and I'll find her happily playing nearby.
I circled and checked down the long hallway. I called into every dressing room and checked all the possible hiding spots... but the longer I looked, the faster my heart beat.

Once I had done a quick search through the arena without finding her my mind went into full blown panic mode. See, the arena is in a large rec center which is attached to the YMCA (complete with a swimming pool, various gyms and classrooms) as well as library and a high school. She could have gone anywhere.... or she could have been taken with so many quick exits nearby....

My heart beat wild and I could barely breath. I told another sweet mom who quickly joined in on the search. As I went down the hallway towards the library with Ellie on my hip and Selah jogging to keep up my mind raced to all the horrible possibilities of what could have happened (the recent episode of a child abduction on the TV show Criminal Minds flashing though my mind wasn't helping- side note: why do I torture myself by watching episodes like that?!?!)

How far could she have gotten?

What if I couldn't find her?

Just when I was about to report her missing....there she was...
Happily exploring by the swimming pool.
When she saw me her face lit up and she skipped her way to me telling me that she had found the best hiding spot and that Selah didn't find her.
Apparently they were playing hide and seek.
She had no idea what I had just gone through.

I hugged her tight and then I yelled. A little.
I can still see her happy smiling face full of pride quickly change to eyes wide open in surprise as I explained what could have happened.
It was like she was hearing it for the first time.
Even though we talk about it almost every time we go out...
Sigh.

She had no idea what she had done.
She had found a good hiding spot.
And given her mama a small heart attack.

But all is well. She is tucked safe in her bed right now.

She is so full of life this child of mine.
So confident.
Self assured.
Wild and a little crazy.
I pray that she will use this confidence. This joy for life to bring glory to His name.
And I pray that I allow her to.
That I don't stifle her sweet spirit...

Because some days my friends, I fear that I do.
Some days I could just pull my hair out.
I pray that she doesn't lose this way about her, but rather that as her mama I can help guide her to the One who will show her how to fly with it.

And also, I think it may be time to pull out this again.... :O)

7/11

Today is July 11th, 2011.

 7/11  

DAY!!!

And we celebrated. 

Slurpee style.

Yes. That's right.

They each got there own.

A cup full of sugar.

Thank you very much.

I paid for it later with some K-RAZY kids bouncing off the walls.

But it was worth it.

Oh, so worth it.
I heart these kids so, so much.
And I love doing little things with them that bring them so much joy.

Happy Happy Summer!!!

P.S

We stole this idea from Denise.

She has all the good ideas.

I want to be her when I grow up.

Or at least get to meet her in real life.

Right now she just lives in my computer 

:(

Summer Fun List 2011

We are down to just 3 more days of school.

Yippee! 

Summer is almost here!

I seriously CAN NOT WAIT.

Last year I decided to be more intentional about our summer. I made up a simple little curriculum and the kids and I had fun in our own little summer homeschool. In doing this I discovered that we accomplished so much more than we would have if we hadn't done it. By planning ahead we certainly cut down on the "mom I'm bored" complains :)

This year I decided to change things up a bit and make a big ol' list of all the exciting things we want to do this summer. 

So today, Evan and I sat down and listed off a few fun ideas. 

Then we hung it up in the kitchen where it will be a constant reminder of the awesome summer we will have :)

Here's a bit of a close up:

I seriously can't wait for summer to start, so that we can jump into all this fun.

And in case you were looking for a few ideas, here's our list:

play a board game

water balloon fight

nature hike

go to the farmers market

visit the pet store

make a book nook

bring popsicles to a neighbor

have a sidewalk chalk art show

make fresh lemonade

go on a bike ride

build a fort out of sheets

have a picnic

go on a bike ride

play outside in the rain

camp out

write and draw a comic book

make smores

make banana splits

root beer floats

zoo

play musical chairs

pool party in the backyard

car wash in bathing suits (the kids NOT me! ha!)

stampede

get an ice cream from the ice cream truck

build a marshmallow and toothpick house

bake cupcakes

stay up late

pjs and movie

scavenger hunt

paint rocks

invite friends to the lake

obstacle course

have a sleepover

take cookies to a fire station

bubbles in the bathtub

paper fence art show

day trip to banff

paint with pudding

kids make dinner

go bowling

read a family book

calaway park

play a card game (uno, go fish)

build a sandcastle

visit the library

build a lego castle together

go fishing

run through sprinklers

make homemade playdoh

make homemade fruit roll ups

write and mail letters to grandparents

donate food, clothes and toys

south glenmore park

make bird feeders

phew. 

i've also left room at the bottom in case we think of more fun to add to our summer ;)

What about you?

What are some of the things you have planned for your kiddos this summer?

keeping 'em busy...

Water
+ Dollar Store Paint Brushes

+ Bubbles

= TWO entire hours of peace and quiet for mama!
Yay!

Happy Mama's Day

Today

Laying in bed and remembering that Daddy can't drive to school today.
Waking up babe to nurse her quickly.
Cheerios for breakfast.
Driving, four in the backseat.
Shopping for groceries.
Watching my girl as she {accidentally} drops a package of blueberries all over the grocery floor.
{ugh. to our credit, we did find someone to come help clean it up.}
Quick shower and another quick nursing.
{yes, that's right I went grocery shopping BEFORE showering. it's how I roll.}
Playing with friends.
Early school pick up.
Late lunch.
Another nursing session.
Dinner in the crockpot.
{yippee}
Boys playing star wars.
Girls playing in the dirt.
{nice}
Missed naps.
Tired, cranky girls.
Spring walk with friends.
Nursing.
Yummy soup.
Time for baths.
Giggles and Splashing.
Smiles and soap.

{She hearty heart hearts her bath}

Last nursing before bed.
Cleaning the kitchen.
Browsing the web.
Watching a movie with my honey.

All written down to remember this season...

The end of an era...

A few weeks ago we made a decision.
A decision that is right for our family.
We prayed about it.
We talked about it.
And after much of both these things,
we finally decided....

There will be no more babies for us.

And while I know that it is the right decision for our family,
I am still sad.
So very, very sad.
{Tear}

While we drove to Chris' (ahem) appointment I had the sudden panic of "what are we doing?!" and told him I thought we should turn around and go home. His look was priceless {ha! it took much mental preparation on his part to even book this appointment!} He would have indeed turned the car around but I got ahold of myself and agreed that we were making the right choice.

But while he was in there I cried.
And my heart broke on the way home.

It's just that it's the end of an era.
It's the end to such a special time in our lives.
Having wee babes.

While a part of me is happy that we will be moving on to a new and exciting chapter in our lives as a family, another part grieves the fact that I will never be pregnant again. That I will never give birth again and hold a new fresh from heaven babe...{well, at least until my sister has one}

Maybe a bigger part of it is that I am unsure of how my life is going to change.
I have been home raising babies for the last 7 1/2 years.
In 5 years all my babies will be in school.
What will I do then?

Now, I know some of you are thinking..."Umm hello?!?! You just had a baby! You still have a baby! And you are still IN baby mode!" and you're right.

I do feel kinda silly writing this.
But my heart is torn. I feel like my heart is going to burst from all the joy I have being a mama. But I also feel like time is slipping away much too quickly. I feel like time is in hyper speed mode. It seems to be slipping through my fingers a lot quicker this time around. I can hardly believe that our littlest is 2 1/2 months old already!

And so, I am trying to savor every snuggle.
Every smile.
Every little yawn.
And yup, even every dirty diaper.

Last night as I was nursing her I started crying.
I was just so overwhelmed.
She is just so perfect.
I am so very humbled.

That God would choose me to be her mama.
That He would choose me to be mama to all four of these joys.

I can hardly grasp the magnitude of what he has intrusted me with.
I am so very thankful for these four.
I am overwhelmed by them.
My heart just can't contain the love I have for them.
Oh how my cup overflows...

Thank you Jesus for my little family.
You have given me more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

Embracing the times...

As parents Chris and I feel it is so important to teach our children responsibility.
They were taught to do things for themselves at a very early age (they all started dressing themselves before age 2.)
We also expect them to help out around the house. They clean up their toys, make their own beds, clean up their dishes and put away their own laundry.

As they get older we are starting to expect even more out of them. One way that we decided to motivate our 7 yr old was by setting up a job chart for him on the fridge. Every night we would go through his day and place a magnet on the fridge corresponding with a job completed. We decided that each chore would earn him a dime {are we cheap?!}

Anyways, he really responded to this and has been very diligent about completing his chores in order to get his magnets {and money!}

But then I heard of this amazing new FREE resource for families. And so we switched to this. Our boy ADORES our new system.....

It is SO awesome. Basically you take some time and set up your child's chore list on the site. Then your child earns points {determined by you} for every chore completed. They get their very own log in {our son's favorite part!} and get to check off the chores they complete for the day.

Now friends, if you're cool....
and only if you're VERY COOL you will add funky pictures like these as your profile log-in pictures:

AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Pure Awesome.

I laugh every time I log in .
I laugh every night I get the email update of our son's completed chores.
I laugh and laugh and laugh.

Anyways, the site is linked up to amazon so you can set up a little "store" for your child and when he/she has earned enough points they choose items from that store. It is super motivating for them to see how many points it'll take to buy something they want. In addition to items from amazon you can customize the site to offer other rewards such as time with dad, or an ice cream cone, going to a movie or video game time. The site also allows your child to allocate their points to "spend", "save" or "give".

L.O.V.E that part.

So far, we've just set up our son, but I think we may add our girls to it soon. Miss A is turning 4 this week and we've already started talking about how 4 year olds "get" to do more chores :)

Anyways, if you have little ones old enough to go on the computer check out "My Job Chart".
My house has never looked better.
Hey, I knew there was a reason we had 4 kids....
;)

How do you motivate your kids to help out?
Do you have other fun ideas for teaching little ones about the value of a dollar?

nap time

it's nap time....
she should be sleeping
BUT
i can still hear her bouncing around up there.
i've already been up there a couple of times to tell her to go to sleep.

sadly (oh, so sadly)
she's growing out of her naps.
most days she just has "quiet time" in her room
where she'll read books or sing quietly.
but today
TODAY
she needs a nap.
boy, does she need one.

i can tell from all the whining.
the crying over ev.ery.thing.
the short fuse.
and most of all i know from the one thing she only does when she's tired,
the sucking her thumb.

i should go up again and put her back in her bed....
but today
TODAY
i need a nap.
baby has been keeping me up at night and i'm crazy tired.

i can tell from all my whining
my crying over silly little things.
my short fuse.
so even though i can hear her up there
and know i should once again go remind her it's rest time.
i don't.
instead i lay on the couch.
give into my fatigue.
and fall asleep to an episode of 19 kids and counting.
(michelle is my hero. seriously. my hero.)

i wake up to a quiet house.
it's 3:05 and i have just enough time to stumble upstairs and get my girls up
before we have to shoot out the door to pick up big brother from school.

i open her door quietly and find...
awesome.
actually this isn't that bad at all.
just a couple of drawers have been emptied.
and check out her organization.
putting matching underwear with each pair of pants :)

i look at her bed and it's empty.
instead i find her curled up right next to it.

i wonder how long it took her to give in....

sweet child.
why, oh why do you fight it?
:)

Choosing Grace

I am that mom.
That mom I swore I'd never be.
And the more I try to fight it, the more I seem to drown in it.

I can be easily frustrated
impatient
lazy
and sometimes I yell.
Sometimes I YELLLLLLLLLLLLLL at my kids.

Ugh.

I tend to start the day out great.
My girls usually get the best of me.
I can get through (most of) the day with a smile on my face and a skip in my step.
I can calmly live through the toddler tantrums.
I can hold my cool through my preschoolers screams when she doesn't get her way.
I whistle as I do the dishes.
And hum while I do the laundry (well not really, but you get the idea.)

Most days I am the mom I want to be..... most days until about 4pm.

From 4 until the time Daddy gets home I find myself changing from a patient, tolerant, loving mommy into a crazy mean monster of a mom.

All my patience seems to run out by then and the laziness creeps in. I don't want to break up any more sibling fights. I don't want to hear the whining. I don't want to hear the attitude. I just don't want to be needed anymore.

And just as my girls seem to get the best of me, my son seems to get the worst.
He gets the yelling.
He gets the impatient answers.
The shooing away.
The "go figure it out yourself" version of me.

Because by that point in the day (I tell myself) I have nothing left. I have already broken up enough fights. I have already heard enough whining. And all I want to do is make dinner in peace.

So when his little attitude creeps in I FREAK OUT.
When he complains about having to do his chores I YELL.
When he whines about having to practice the piano I THREATEN.

And it's not fair.
It's not fair that he doesn't get the same grace my girls get throughout the day.

Recently, my sweet friend Beth posted a link to a fabulous article:
How to Bring Peace to the Witching Hour.

And I was convicted.
I was convicted of giving into my laziness.
Of letting my anger take over.
I was reminded of how I try to do it all myself and in doing so fail miserably.

I need to choose Grace. The person Grace.
The one who patiently changes my attitude.
The one who never tires of hearing my whining.
Who never yells at me when I sit there complaining about this thing or that.
The One who doesn't resort to threatening me to get me to do something He wants me to do.

I need to come to Grace and fill up on Him so that He can freely flow through me.
I need to make a conscious effort to recognize that these hours at the end of the day are going to be hard.
And knowing that, I can plan ahead to make them go a little easier.

See, I believe that Grace led me to that article.
He knew how to speak right to the core of my problem.
He knew how to open up my eyes to my need for Him.
But He also knew I needed practical ideas to help me change.
And I needed them now.
Today.

So, I am going to implement routine into our witching hours.
I will have dinner planned ahead of time.
And I am going to make a conscious effort to whisper at my kids when all I really want to do is yell.
I will try harder to model for my kids how I can control myself, so that they will learn how to do it too.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Do you have any other tips or techniques on how to control the yelling?

Thank you Father.
Please continue to show me who you are and how I can be more like you.
Forgive my selfishness.
All I think about at that point in my day is me.
Me. Me. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Help me to think of You.
Of what you have called me to do as a mama to these precious little ones.
Thank you for trusting me with them,
and for forgiving me when I mess up.
Thank you for showing me how I can change.
I want to.

Love,
a mama who is learning to choose Grace.

Count 'em....

One...

Two...

Three...

FOUR!!!

Yippeeeeeeeeee!
We are beyond excited to finally share the news that we are having another little munchkin!
:)

Cool Kid on the Block

He
begged
and
begged
and
begged.

And
we
finally
gave
in...

well, technically he wanted to leave the sides and just shave the top.
that's right folks he begged us for a 'cul-de-sac' but we were mean and told him that we would only settle on a mohawk.
true story. our boy wanted the quote "old man cut." crazy child.
he takes after his dad I tell you.

Truth be told I think he turned out to be a pretty darn cute
little punk!

...now he just needs to grow that mohawk so we can spike it!

;-)

Last day of school {and a little improv}

Today was our son's last day of school.

Yippeeeeeee!
Summer has officially started!
Was it just me, or did this year fly by like crazy fast?

Our boy is very excited that next year he will be in....

Yikes, how did that happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was crying because my baby was going into preschool? Awww.... ok, now I'm starting to tear up again.
I am so over the moon in love with this kid. He is hilarious and knows just how to melt this mama's heart. Plus, he'll still cuddle with me and let me tickle his back, so I don't really have much to complain about.

Oh sweet boy,

Daddy and I are so proud of you! We can hardly believe how big you are. You have grown so much in the last year, it is amazing to hear you read and watch you write with such passion and creativity. We hope that you will always find joy in your learning.

Love you always,
Mommy & Daddy

-------------------------------------

And now for a fun little story...

This morning was our son's final school assembly. I was running a little late so when we got there all the seats were taken and we had to stand in the back. {whew. as it turns out this was actually a good thing!}

About halfway through the assembly I smelt something yucky. I looked down at my youngest and asked her if she had a dirty diaper. She smiled and I knew. But there were other kids around so I decided to do a quick check to be sure. And what do I see as I pull back her skirt?
Not only is she indeed dirty, but- SHE.IS.NOT.WEARING.A.DIAPER!!!!
What?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

I must have completely zoned out this morning and forgotten to put one on her. Luckily the skirt she was wearing had little shorts built in, or we might have had quite the mess on our hands. Eww. Eww. Eww!
Anyways, I did what any of you would do. I nonchalantly {while internally freaking out} picked her up, walked her out of the gym, down the hall, out the door and into the van to get her cleaned up.
Thank the good Lord that I had wipes and a spare diaper in the van. Once I had her all cleaned up I realized that I didn't have a change of clothes for her. Ugh.
So I searched the van and all I could find was a dirty pair of her big brother's short from yesterday's lake day with his class. Thankfully he had worn his bathing suit home and left his shorts in the van.
See, I knew there was a reason for being too lazy to clean out the van yesterday!

Good times.

Don't worry though, she totally rocked it :)

When we came back in, a few of the other moms and I had a good laugh about the whole thing.

Because mamas know *&%$ happens!
;)

Loss

The house is pretty quiet.
The girls are asleep, Chris has left to run a few errands and all I can hear is the soft sound of my son watching "Billy the Exterminator" on t.v.
Have you ever seen that show? Eww eww eww! :)

Anyways, I've been sitting here staring at my computer screen, writing, deleting, rewriting, then deleting some more.
Truth be told I'm a little scared.
I find myself not knowing exactly what to say....

When I was writing my "About" page, I included this:

Who am I?
I'm a girl saved by grace.
A wife to my best friend {he rocks!}
Mama to three precious littles here and three precious littles in heaven.
Just trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Three precious littles here... and three precious littles in heaven.
Big breath.
Not very many people know that.
That I have miscarried three times.
That three of my babies were returned to heavens arms before I got a chance to hold them in mine.

When I stop and think about the fact that Chris and I actually have 6 kids, it so overwhelms my heart. The kids all know that they have three siblings in heaven who get to play with their grandma. That picture grips my heart with joy and makes me want to cry all at the same time.

Writing through my grief is good. I have written lots about losing my mom and I have always found comfort in my writing. Even before I started blogging I always wrote whatever it was that I was feeling.

But writing about my three babies is something that I have never shared on here.
Maybe because I lost them all fairly early on. And a part of me tells myself that I shouldn't feel the way I do, because I wasn't further along.

I guess I felt maybe people just wouldn't understand.
But I don't think I've given you enough credit. I'm sorry.
Especially because some of you may be walking through this too.

Our most recent loss was just a couple months ago. I think perhaps I still haven't quite sifted through the emotions of it. Most days I am fine. Truly. But I do have moments where I imagine how far along I'd be and what I'd be feeling. I imagine if they were boys or girls and how their little personalities would fit into our family.

The other day someone asked me if we were done having kids.
I joked about not being sure....but a part of my heart held tight to the grief. A part of me wanted to cry right there. While another part of me knows that it was just an innocent question- one that I truthfully don't know the answer to.

I need to just give it all to God.
My loss.
My uncertainty.
My fear.
My guilt.
Lay all my burdens down at his feet.

Live in His peace.
His perfect peace.
A peace that surpasses all human understanding.
A peace that I can truly rest in.

Because there are things that happen here on this earth that I just don't understand. But no matter what our family looks like, I know that He works all things together for good.
He will take the pieces of my wounded broken heart and put them together in the most amazing way to shine His light through.

I want Him to shine through my tears.
I want Him to be seen in my struggles.
And I want to see Him in my heart as it heals.

How do you deal with loss?

summer {home}school

While most parents with school aged kids are winding down from the school year and looking forward to the lazy days of summer, I am excitedly planning ahead to our summer {home} school plan.

Huh???

Yup, I am just a tad crazy and have decided to plan a fun summer program for the kids this year.
(I found the fabulous idea here)

Essentially I want to help my son continue to build on what he's learnt this year, so each week we will have a different theme and will be doing a few worksheets (to help with reading, writing and math), crafts, checking a few books out of our local library that go with the theme and will be enjoying a weekly field trip.
All to hopefully reinforce our boy's skills :)
AND my three year old is beyond excited to go to "school" this summer!

Now, I don't want to go too crazy but I do want to have a little structure to help our son continue to grow. So, this won't be super strict but hopefully we will spend a little bit of time each day doing some sort of activity. Plus I don't know about you but in the summer I hear a lot of "Mom I'm bored" so maybe this will help with that too :)

And as an added bonus this will give me a little taste of what all you home school mamas do all year :)
(cause y'all know you're my heroes right?!)

Anyways I am super excited and just starting to get things together....
My goal is to have a binder for each of the kids to keep their worksheets in and to make a poster of some kind outlining our weekly schedule, so that the kids can look at it and know what we will be up to and get excited about our plans!

Here's a very rough idea of what our summer is going to look like:

July 5-9 Prince and princess
Study royalty, castles and knights
Field trip: Make fancy crowns and dress up as royalty. Have a royal picnic in the park.

July 12-16 Yeehaw!
Learn about cowboys and rodeos
Field Trip: Go to the Stampede!

July 19-23 Dinosaurs
Learn all about dinosaurs
Field trip: Visit The Royal Tyrrell Museum

July26-30 Bugs bugs bugs
Learn all about different creepy crawlies
Field trip: Enjoy a scavenger hunt in the park looking for different bugs.

August 2-6 Ice cream
Learn about dairy farms, and find out how ice cream is made
Field trip: Take a trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients to make our own ice cream!

August 9-13 Fun in the sun
Learn about wildlife and creatures of the sea
Field Trip: Take a beach day- go swimming

August 16-20 Strawberry Patch
Study gardens and how they grow
Field Trip: Visit a strawberry farm and make fresh strawberry pie and jam

August 23-27 Babies
Learn all about different baby animals
Field trip: Visit the zoo

What are your summer plans?
:)

Friendships

I smiled as I watched them.
They were giggling, chasing one another. Round and round they went ponytails bouncing, girly squeals filling the air.
Soon both their little legs grew tired and they sat in the sand filling up their buckets and digging for treasures. I could hear them chatting happily together as they played.

They had the park all to themselves. They could run freely and leave their sand toys scattered around as they pleased.

After a few minutes, a new little friend wandered over. She sat down beside them and immediately picked up a spare shovel and started digging for treasures too.
And my girls didn't blink.
They shared their toys and included their new friend in their conversation. They talked about building a princess castle. Chatted about Dora and then about my daughters new pink shoes. They quickly formed a new friendship and loved this little girl like they knew her.

I tried to picture this same exchange happening to a couple of adults. Let's say you and a friend were sitting together having coffee and a "new friend" (someone you had never met) came over, pulled up a chair and joined in the conversation. Let's say you had some "toys" like maybe your laptop or knitting needles with you and your new friend casually picked them up and started playing with them too. I am pretty sure strange looks would be exchanged. Nervous laughter perhaps. Maybe a question like "um.... can we help you?"

Why are children so carefree? So wiling to accept someone new? So loving?
Why is it so easy for my children to form friendships and so painfully hard for me?

Truth be told, I have trouble making friends. It doesn't come easily for me. I have been hurt. And I am sure have done some hurting. I have been rejected. And I am sure have done some rejecting.
I don't have a lot of close friends. I have lots of women that I know but not a lot who I would show every side of me. I am afraid to show the ugly in me. To have someone love me in spite of it. To walk with me. Talk me through the rain filled seasons. Be there. Know me. Love me- for me.

It's my own fault. I don't know how to open myself up to friendships anymore. I don't know how to love like my girls do.
To immediately welcome someone into my life and share my toys with them.
To be real.
I need to learn how to open my heart like my girls.

I know how to be real in writing. I know how to articulate how I feel in words. But, sometimes I think I hide behind that.
Sometimes I think it's so much easier to lay it all out on this blog and be vulnerable to you guys than to open myself up in a face to face relationship. Which is probably why I feel like you guys know me better then a lot of friends (who don't read my blog) do. In all honesty I am super shy and afraid of what people who DO know me and read my blog think of what I write. I am always surprised and humbled when they mention they enjoyed something I wrote.

As we were walking home from the park that day my three year old chirped "My new friend is so nice. She's a girl, Mommy! I like her!"
So simple.
So genuine.
Unguarded.
Unafraid.
Love.
She's not worried about what her new friend thinks of her. She's not judging how she looks or even how she acts. She just welcomes her openly and shares her shovel. And for about an hour they play happily together and wave to one another when it's time to go.

I am learning how to love from my girls.
How to accept others. How to be genuine. How to let my guard down and not be afraid to let friends in.
How to truly build friendships.

What about you? Do you make friends easily? Or do you tend to guard your heart too?

Blessing Box

So have we solved the secret of happiness?

"I believe so" he said
Are you going to tell me?
"Yes. Ready?"
Ready.
"Be satisfied."
That's it?
"Be grateful"
That's it?
"For what you have. For the love you receive. And for what God has given you."
That's it?
He looked me in the eye. Then he sighed deeply.
"That's it."
(excerpt from the book 'have a little faith' by Mitch Albom)

It's so easy to get wrapped up in life.
Wrapped up in self.
In wanting more.
It's also easy to forget to see blessings.
To be ungrateful. Unsatisfied.

I have been so guilty of this.
I want with all my heart to be aware of what is right in front of me.
What I've been given.

As a family we are going to try to focus on being thankful.
One way we have decided to do this is by making a Blessing Box.
(can't take credit for coming up with this idea. I saw it HERE awhile back. This is just our spin on it.)


We will write down all our blessings (financial, physical, spiritual and everything in between) as well as personal achievements, funny stories, growth, talents, goals reached. Big and little. Anything really, that we can say thank you for. At the end of the year we will take it out and praise God for all that He has done for us throughout the year.

Here's how we made it:
I found this photo box at the dollar store. Yippee! But you could use anything- a jar, a box, a bowl... whatever works :)


Next, instead of putting a picture, we took scrapbook paper and my little guy wrote out the verse we chose to focus on as a family this year and put it in the frame.

"Praise the Lord I tell myself and never forget the good things he does for me" Psalm 103:2

Then we wrote out a few things on index cards that we are thankful for.


I love seeing my little guys writing on some of the cards, and plan to have the girls draw pictures for things that they are thankful for.
:)

I am so excited to change our way of thinking and focus on being thankful.
To grow and teach our kids about true happiness... as we learn to embrace it ourselves.

"To be satisfied.
To be grateful For what we have. For the love we receive.
And for what God has given us."