Thursday, September 17, 2009

Anger, Hurt and Love


Last night I went and saw a movie with a friend of mine. Near the end, one of the lines just about knocked me over:

"Underneath anger is hurt, underneath hurt is love."

As soon as I heard it my mind and heart went into overdrive. I could hardly watch the rest of the movie as I attempted to digest these words.

Sometimes I get angry with my kids. They aren't listening, they're screaming and fighting and I just get to my boiling point.
Sometimes I'm angry with Chris. It's the little things that get to me, and I let those little things roll into a big ball of anger....then watch out!!!

I'm beginning to recognize that underneath that anger is actually hurt.
I'm believing the lie:

"You don't matter."

I love Chris and the kids to the very depth of my being, so when I feel like I don't matter to them it hurts that much more. And that hurt can easily turn into anger.

Sometimes I get angry with God.
Usually I'm mad because I feel abandoned (even though that is never the case) or because of my present circumstances. I feel hurt because I feel alone and slowly over time that hurt turns into anger.
But underneath that hurt is love.
The reason I am so hurt is because I so desire to be close to God. I so desire to have an intimate, real relationship that when I don't 'feel' Him I feel hurt. And I begin to believe the lies:

"You're not enough"
"He never loved you anyway"
and you guessed it:
"You don't matter"

But they are just that- LIES.

What if we chose not to believe them.
What if we were conscious of this love-hurt-anger cycle.
What if as soon as we felt that anger bubble up inside of us we could stop and break it down: the reason I feel angry is actually because I'm feeling hurt. Just what lie am I believing?

Like I said, usually for me it's the 'you don't matter' lie. Whether I've just been cut off on the road. Or Chris does something that bugs me. Or my 5 yr old gives me attitude. Or I feel like God has abandoned me. It all boils down to my worth.
I'm angry because I feel like I'm not worth it.

Here's the great part: I have the ability to save myself from all that unwanted anger by pinpointing exactly why I'm feeling hurt and making the choice to forgive and by making the choice to reject the lie.

What if we just began to operate in this? Forgiveness. What would it do for our relationships? See, I've found that my anger doesn't really help matters much. In fact it is more of a poison. It fills me up and pours out to everyone around me.
I don't want that.

A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her hands.
Proverbs 14:1 NLT

I think that it will always be this love-hurt-anger cycle in any relationship. If you love someone they will eventually hurt you and you will at some point be angry with them.
My pastor used to say " If you and I become friends I can promise you at some point you will get hurt."

It's a part of life.

Think through your own relationships. Does one exist where you have never been hurt? Has that hurt ever lead to anger? Or flip it around, have you ever hurt anyone? Has anyone ever been angry with you? For me it's impossible. I've been hurt and done the hurting.

But, here's the good news:

We can choose to let go of our anger by recognizing the hurt and making the choice to forgive.
We can choose to let go of our anger by recognizing the hurt and rejecting the lies we have believed in the past.


Now I know that this is sometimes easier said than done. There are definitely small hurts and HUGE GINORMOUS hurts that will take time, perhaps talking it through with someone and lots of hours spent in Jesus' lap for us to be able to let go of them.
But, I promise it's in the letting go that we can finally see what's been hidden underneath all the anger and all the hurt- Love.
Forgiveness isn't saying what you did to me is ok. Forgiveness is setting yourself free. Free from the anger. Free from the hurt. The freedom to love.

You must make allowances for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Colossians 3:13 NLT

When you read these words:
"Underneath anger is hurt, underneath hurt is love."
What do you think?

7 comments:

  1. well said, and thought-provoking. changing the way you think and respond (especially after years of programming) is really challenging -- Praise God He is able to help us in this.

    I'm right with you on this -- more than I even realized when I read the chapter on believing the "I don't matter' lie.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I recently watched a video by Beth Moore (LOVE HER!) and it was on the fruit of the Spirit. The one I watched with a girlfriend was on "Love". Her take was that with loving someone ALWAYS comes the possibility of rejection. And when we are rejected we do one of two things: we either become bitter and angry and fight back, or somehow we make even more of an effort to get close to the source of our rejection, perhaps so in some way (large or small) we can return the pain of the rejection.

    Seems like such a horrible cycle, so far from the way God intended. But I think the point was, regardless of the fact we may be rejected, we must choose to love anyway. Because that's what also makes love beautiful - the fact that it IS a choice, in spite of the possibility of rejection. Forgiveness, by the power of God, is also such a huge part of being able to love freely. I know I'm paraphrasing so much of what she said and after all this, I'm not sure if I even answered your question, but those are my thoughts :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. i too have cycled through these emotions (still do, just not so consistently). and for me too, it was lies. lies i believed about myself. lies that i then was fighting against. i wanted to defend myself, protect myself from the lie, that i am worthless, that i will be abandoned (my biggest fear),and that i am unlovable. so i would be found screaming at the world- my world (kids and husband). it took a long time for me to recognize my husband and kids do not tell me, nor think those things.
    those lies are straight from the pit of hell. and i bought in to them. and with jesus i have the power to undo them. disagree with them, and have God tell me the truth about who i am (always replace that lie with the Truth. WHO DOES GOD SAY YOU ARE?).
    i'm learning to walk away from those lies. learning to believe who God says i am.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you so much. This is my first time at this site and Im very empressed. Thank you again.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I recently watched a video by Beth Moore (LOVE HER!) and it was on the fruit of the Spirit. The one I watched with a girlfriend was on "Love". Her take was that with loving someone ALWAYS comes the possibility of rejection. And when we are rejected we do one of two things: we either become bitter and angry and fight back, or somehow we make even more of an effort to get close to the source of our rejection, perhaps so in some way (large or small) we can return the pain of the rejection.

    Seems like such a horrible cycle, so far from the way God intended. But I think the point was, regardless of the fact we may be rejected, we must choose to love anyway. Because that's what also makes love beautiful - the fact that it IS a choice, in spite of the possibility of rejection. Forgiveness, by the power of God, is also such a huge part of being able to love freely. I know I'm paraphrasing so much of what she said and after all this, I'm not sure if I even answered your question, but those are my thoughts :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow!i just feel soo good after reading this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love to watch the movie you talking about Girl!!

      Delete

Thanks so much for leaving your comments. I absolutely love hearing from you :)

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails