Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Her Journal

Last night we were at my dad's house and my sister showed me something extremely special.
My mom's journal.
A journal she started when she received her bone marrow transplant.
One that she wrote in just months before she died.
A journal that we didn't even know existed until last night.

She wanted to record the road to her recovery....

I started reading it and had to stop because it was just too hard to take it all in at once. She wrote about how she was feeling. She wrote about our family. She wrote about us.
I picked it up again today and am broken inside.

Reading her perspective. Imagining what it was like for her as a wife and mom, being stuck in the hospital, watching her family come and go all while feeling so sick. And just trying to be strong for all of us.
It's too much for my heart to bear.

I cried through the last half of the journal.

It's only 2 months worth of entries.
My dad said she just got too sick to finish it.
Her last entry is only half written...


It was her birthday this past Sunday. The kids and I sang happy birthday and talked about what a fun party she must be having up in heaven.

I don't know if it's being pregnant again, or maybe just feeling like this grief will never go away, but I've been missing her a lot lately.
Most recently I missed her at our fancy tea party. I know that it is something she would have loved. I thought of her while we fancied ourselves that morning and while we sat there sipping our tea. Man, do I miss her.

I guess I just wanted to write down what I was feeling (and will continue to do so on my blog) because I want my kids to be able to look back and read my perspective. Even if I live to be 104, I know how precious it is for a child to read something her mommy wrote. I want to leave them with the knowledge of how very precious they are to me. I want them to know how crazy this mama is for them.

Just like I know how crazy my mommy was for me.


  1. Awww Sara, I am so glad that you now have her journal, even if it breaks your heart. It is a piece of her just like this is a piece of you that your children will cherish forever.

  2. What a treasure you have in her words... a precious keepsake.
    I'm sorry for you loss, however, when it comes to her breathing and living life with you.
    There WILL BE a day when you can sit and have that fancy tea party!

  3. i gasped reading your words! your mama's journal, hmmm.

    may God be glorified through her writing. may he draw you closer to HIS heart (which happens to be the place she is closest too as she makes her home in glory).

    find peace. find truth. find treasure. find delight. find hope.

    you are beautiful my friend.

  4. I've been sitting here, not even sure how to comment, but wanting to.

    Having never met your Mom I can tell she was a phenomenal person, just in how you are raising your own children. You are a beautiful living testimony of who she was. I am deeply glad you have found another part of her to hold onto.

    Hugs to you.

  5. Oh Sara... Sending you a virtual hug and offering up a prayer of peace for you. What a gift she left you. And what a gift you are.

  6. What a special gift you have in her journal... and what a hard thing to read. I know without a doubt that your kiddos know how precious they are to you, and I love the idea of leaving them your thoughts in writing. There's something precious about reading words and gaining insight into someone's thinking.

    praying for you, friend.

  7. Sara,
    I am, again, tremendously touched and blessed by the sharing of your heart. Earlier this summer we communicated about our similar feelings about our miscarriages. What you shared on your blog and the note you emailed to me helped me immensely. When I read this post today, tears fell once again. I lost my dad almost three and a half years ago. This summer, on his birthday, I posted a few of my memories - I am so thankful for the blessing of written expression. At times our grief is greater and doesn't ever go away - and I think is normal. I think we will miss them much more than we ever imagined - until we meet again.

  8. That journal is a treasure.

    But to lose your mom - what grief! It makes my heart hurt. I'm so sorry.

  9. Sara .... there are no words I can say other than I love you and that you are always in my prayers.

  10. Sara .... there are no words I can say other than I love you and that you are always in my prayers.

  11. oh. Sara.
    no words.
    peace to you.

  12. That journal is a treasure.

    But to lose your mom - what grief! It makes my heart hurt. I'm so sorry.


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