Friday, April 29, 2011

The end of an era...

A few weeks ago we made a decision.
A decision that is right for our family.
We prayed about it.
We talked about it.
And after much of both these things,
we finally decided....

There will be no more babies for us.

And while I know that it is the right decision for our family,
I am still sad.
So very, very sad.

While we drove to Chris' (ahem) appointment I had the sudden panic of "what are we doing?!" and told him I thought we should turn around and go home. His look was priceless {ha! it took much mental preparation on his part to even book this appointment!} He would have indeed turned the car around but I got ahold of myself and agreed that we were making the right choice.

But while he was in there I cried.
And my heart broke on the way home.

It's just that it's the end of an era.
It's the end to such a special time in our lives.
Having wee babes.

While a part of me is happy that we will be moving on to a new and exciting chapter in our lives as a family, another part grieves the fact that I will never be pregnant again. That I will never give birth again and hold a new fresh from heaven babe...{well, at least until my sister has one}

Maybe a bigger part of it is that I am unsure of how my life is going to change.
I have been home raising babies for the last 7 1/2 years.
In 5 years all my babies will be in school.
What will I do then?

Now, I know some of you are thinking..."Umm hello?!?! You just had a baby! You still have a baby! And you are still IN baby mode!" and you're right.

I do feel kinda silly writing this.
But my heart is torn. I feel like my heart is going to burst from all the joy I have being a mama. But I also feel like time is slipping away much too quickly. I feel like time is in hyper speed mode. It seems to be slipping through my fingers a lot quicker this time around. I can hardly believe that our littlest is 2 1/2 months old already!

And so, I am trying to savor every snuggle.
Every smile.
Every little yawn.
And yup, even every dirty diaper.

Last night as I was nursing her I started crying.
I was just so overwhelmed.
She is just so perfect.
I am so very humbled.

That God would choose me to be her mama.
That He would choose me to be mama to all four of these joys.

I can hardly grasp the magnitude of what he has intrusted me with.
I am so very thankful for these four.
I am overwhelmed by them.
My heart just can't contain the love I have for them.
Oh how my cup overflows...

Thank you Jesus for my little family.
You have given me more than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.


  1. Sara,
    I am feeling the exact same way right now. If we had stayed the course we'd have a fourth right now. It feels weird to not have a baby in the house...and not have one on the way :) It feels good too though...definitely the beginning of a new era :)

  2. A new era indeed -- an era in which God will use you to shape and instruct your children, and an era in which He'll use them to mold and shape you. Blessings, dear friend.

  3. My due date is in 6 days, as anxious as I am to see her, I know this the last time I will experience the little (and big) kicks, flutters, and blessing to be carrying a baby within my body. This is something only her and I share, as it was something only my son and I shared. You have 4 beautiful children, what an amazing blessing :)

  4. sweet Sara, I can feel your Mama heart here so much...and here's the thing, I think as women we never stop desiring babies. It's the way God designed us as women. And I don't know that it even ever fully goes. But I pray you will be at peace in this new place with the joys of watching your 4 little ones grow. Hugs to you :)

  5. Dear friend, you are such a great mamma! You are truly faithful with what the Lord has entrusted you! I am blessed & challenged by your "being present" as you share - you always inspire me! Big hugs!

  6. josie's birth announcements had the words "i scarce can take it in" (from a hymn) in an attempt to try and describe how overwhelmed i was by the love i have for my children, my family. it's too much. i had no idea my heart could expand to such enormity!

    after my appointment to get "tied" (cheaper that way for us) i came home and cried for 24 hours,"i can't have anymore babies." but it was best for us. sane for us. i've not regretted it. just cherished them all the more.

    love you!

  7. Fighting back the stinging tears. What a hard time this is. I had that two years ago after Wit was born. It's over for us.

    But God was there to heal my hurts. I prayed for closure. I guess that's why Wit is so wild. I'm too tired to think about any more kids.

    God took that desire from me.

    The season of raising your kids is a privledged one.

  8. Oh, this post! It brought tears to my eyes. You are one blessed mama.

    My husband and I are planning this kind of trip to the Dr. after our adoption is complete because of the health risks of pregnancy for me. I know it doesn't close the door for future adoptions, but it feels like a loss nonetheless.

    The time does fly. Enjoy every moment.

  9. Aaaah Sara, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. We were only ever able to have one and I would have so loved to have had a houseful. You will move through every stage as it comes without even thinking about what is next for you. Embrace and enjoy all that He has for you as your babies grown into young men and women.

    Teach them to fly and give them wings!

  10. Oh my goodness! I feel the same way you do with three! It is all going so fast! I am so glad I found your sweet blog! Found you via blog hopping around, glad I did :)

  11. Sara,

    My heart aches for you! I wish I could give you a great big hug. I am so familiar with all those emotions you describe. We made a similar decision after our third was born. I was tired, depressed, and stressed all the time with just three. But we never stop yearning for more babies. At least many of us don't. From these comments, you have a lot of company. Big group hug!

  12. I feel ya, Sara! I'm in the same situation! And what a beautiful ending you wrote in this post, I just loved it! Beautiful family you have!


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